So, how do you live?
I know how to recover. Eat, promise to eat, eat more. Stand in the mirror, promise yourself that your being is beautiful. That the growing stomach and thighs are just growing with power over your toxic mind. Insist you are perfect and wonderful until you believe it.
But how do you actually live?
How do you not write, think, breathe the ghost of your disorder? You’ve spent a decade slowly killing yourself from the inside out. How do you find yourself without your sickness? I can’t help but wonder what will happen to me when I am no longer the snide, sick bitch with puke stains on her cheek. I can’t help but wonder how will they react when you are no longer a dying patient. Who will I become when I can no longer introduce myself as the girl with an eating disorder?
How do you live?
February 21, 2013
"It’s time to grow up"
"Yang hope na yan. Lason yan. Parang drugs na nakaka-adik."
So my friends and I decided ( actually they decided) to watch the film by Olivia Lamasan starring Piolo Pascual and Toni Gonzaga. I was originally going to train that day, but it was the first time we would hang out together, especially since one of my friends transferred to another school. I was indifferent about the film. I don’t really like all those Filipino love stories, and I am NOT a fan of Piolo Pascual. I just thought that ‘Hey, I haven’t really spent time with my friends. Might as well give them this day.’
Many people told me that the story was good and a particular friend already told me the ending so I guess it didn’t really matter to me anymore. As we watched the film I tried to keep a stone heart. At the climax I know that I was moved. The director and the writer worked it brilliantly. I fought back the tears which I guess the many people around were not able to do. The movie was full of scenes that would really go straight to the heart especially to those who cant damn well relate. I have never been in a relationship so I kept that in mind and I don’t really want to cry over a movie anymore, let alone a love story. There was this one time though at the climax that was really breathtaking and tiny tears were up in my eyes. I was strong enough to hold them. My friend beside me had a relationship that ended so she was really feeling the movie. Sniffs and sobbing was heard around the movie theater. At some point it was funny and my friend and I would just instantly look at each other and giggle.
I have to admit, some lines I felt were aimed at me. Well, not really it’s just I am affected by them. Lines such as the ones above. After what happened during February 13, I thought that the movie ( the lines) were very timely. After he said that “..Kapag gagawin mo ulitiyon, siguraduhin mong wag kang mag-aabala ng iba..” (Next time you decide to do that again, make sure you won’t bother anyone) when I talked to him after my second H.T. That hurt. That hurt not only because I used to like him but because I called him when I got tipsy because I consider him as a friend, and a reliable friend to add to that. Some friend, huh?
After that I was so mad that I really didn’t even want to talk to him. I decided to sweep everything under the rug. I won’t even wonder anymore if there was a “thing”between us. I guess it may be petty but what friend in their right mind would say that? And these lines made me believe even more that its the end of it. Perhaps we may still be ‘friends’ but the friendship that was once built can no longer be viable in its original sense. Meaning, we are just friends. That’s that. The title of a friend and not the meaning of a friend. One of the last lines of the film was "It’s time to grow up". And it is. It’s time to grow up and face the reality that everything is over. Everything was not what I thought things were. Everything was just a fantasy. And now I have to start over again and believe that the time will come for what my heart is searching for.
Okay so this is a bit of a throwback. I’ve been meaning to post but yeah, wasn’t able to.
The week has been pretty confusing. Confusing because I am still lost of what happened during Thursday and confused because as the days pass, the more I want to run for our batch government. I want to, but I don’t think I can. Thursday, February 6, my friend whom I told I wanted run for batch government in the bus while I was tipsy asked me why won’t I run. I explained to her even more my feelings. That I feel like I am rushing myself because I feel pressured that I only have 3 terms (hopefully) left. That I feel like I can only go minimalist and have the confidence to govern a small unit such as a university compared to the nationwide scope I could face as I graduate. It was later that day that I figured out, the political party that I belong already approached her and asked if she waned to run. I guess that explains why she wouldn’t want to talk about something because I was still there.
Feb 7. I had an interview with this volunteer program I applied for, hoping that I could do something with my life before I graduate. I was very nervous since I thought that someone I knew was going to interview me. My childhood friend (since first grade) kept me company and eased my nerves through text, (finally she is already postpaid!). We were set to meet after I was done with my interview.
As my friend finished his interview, I couldn’t help but still have those nerves despite knowing that I don’t know the interviewer. She said she easily recognized me because they were blown away by my answers in the application form. She often commented that I answered like a beauty queen and even joked that I should be one (despite the lack of height). I also stated in the interview that one of the main reasons why I applied is to fulfill my passion to serve, since it cannot be fulfilled by running for office. She repeatedly told me that I should run and that she thinks that I more than capable of running. I thought of how she can see that but my political party can’t. I thought that the sequences of events were just to ironic and I can’t help but feel this feeling of ‘wtf’ inside, for a lack of a better term to express what I truly felt during that time. At the end of it, I knew that my chances of getting into Research and development were slim because of my crappy answer, but I am hopeful for the Secretariat committee which I applied for.
Fast forward a bit. My friend and I met at McDonalds for something cheap to eat. I was backing out in my head if I was going to tell her everything. After all, I did try to contact her when I was down and she didn’t respond. It took a while for me to say what I needed to say. I even sat beside her so that I can keep my voice at a minimum. I told her everything I felt for the past week. How I felt like a failure since I can’t seem to find something that I can excel at. She told me that it was because I focused on achieving something that is evident for people (i.e. dancing, figure skating, etc.). She said that I excel in stuff that people don’t see (writing/words). I really had a hard time taking that in. Maybe because she’s right or maybe because I am just to close-minded about how I perceive ‘excelling in something’. She also told me that the reason why my political party isn’t really considering me is because they cannot see the worth because they do not have any physical, verbal, or basically anything that makes them think that I have the passion and capability to serve. Unlike during the interview, there was something that was seen to view the potential I had. These are of course according to my friend. She also suggested that I should just tell them I want to run. It is something that crossed my mind but I cannot really do. I want my political party to see me as worthy, that they would approach me. She also stated that it is their loss that they didn’t really consider me. Honestly, I was surprised by the lack of tears when that happened. Which is a good thing I guess since we were in a very public place.
I also told her about my Happy Thursday. Being the party girl she is, she was really proud of me. She was proud of me in the sense that I don’t confine myself and I let loose for once in a while. She told me that she thinks that if I grew up with them back in UAE, I might have turned up into a different person. Someone who doesn’t really care of what others think. Someone who is stronger emotionally. Someone who doesn’t allow others to step on me easily. I thought of it maybe she was right. After all, we were the bullies of the school and when I got to the Philippines I found myself the one being bullied.
I opened up, after I swore not to. But it felt good to have someone to talk to. I can’t even schedule an appointment with my counselor, so she’s the next best thing. I know that by doing that I am making myself vulnerable of getting hurt, but I’ve been hurt so many times. I guess that sort of pain is natural for me. I mean I would grief over the pain that other people caused me but I will always find myself doing the same thing over again, as if inviting the hurt itself.